self pity

I feel like the lesson I'm learning right now is to not wait for random encouragement from others. But to draw from the well of what I know is true about myself.

But hearing it from others is really nice sometimes.

But I don't need to sit in self pity waiting for it.

When I start pitying myself it's like a cycle. I pity, then I realize that's stupid and I hate myself for doing it.

I'm realizing that I'm way more talented than I realize. Which isn't humility, it's stupidity.

Because I could be getting better at what I know.

I need to get vocal coaching

and I need guitar lessons.

I love music so much, I just want to be the best at it I can be.

I know that in my life I'm not excellent at much of anything,.

I'm halfway good at a LOT of things.

I hate myself for how I don't follow through.

This last week I was telling a friend that I wanted to go to College after Bethel, and he replied, "Do you really think you'll do that?" 

I was really hurt, but I realized that it was a valid question.

He's never seen me follow through before.

Ouch what a horrible image to give to someone.

Why are my heart and my actions so out of alignment. 

It's enough to make me sick.

Today is a cry baby day. I want to cry. But we aren't even having worship, so there's no quiet place I can go and cry and not have people ask me what's wrong.

I miss Travis Archer. 

I miss a lot of people. It's going to be really hard to leave Nashville when I go back for Christmas.

3 different people offered me a free place to live over summer in Seattle. I'm thinking about it. There are so many beautiful places to explore in Washington I've never seen.

I want to see the Olympics. I've only been to Mt. Rainier once. I haven't seen all I want to see there. It's so beautiful.

I can't stop listening to Snowden by Doves on Some Cities 

If you haven't heard it I highly recommend it. Anything by Doves is wonderful though.

Doves makes me think of the O.C. so lame I know.

I want a scooter.

FYI

Life doesn't suck anymore.

I moved in with some of my favorite people

for the time being.

I miss living with Julia Rizzo.

She was the best.

Great chats.

Breakfast/Coffee mornings

Massages

essential oils

flax seeds

constant music

occasionally cheesecake

mismatched plates and cups.

plant hanging in the shower?

yep. She's the best.

But then Jeremy and Joy were so great

and Kevin

and Becky.

I've lived with some of my favorite people in the world.

The other day I had a revelation. and Revelations don't have to be profound. But they are very real, and they are life changing.

Jesus died for me.

he thought of me.

life sucks for the moment.

I am having an off week. And by week I don't mean it started on Monday, by week I mean it started on Friday and hasn't stopped yet.

I've been asking myself, "Why am I here?" a lot. I know this won't last forever.

and I'm not completely discouraged. 

But I'm close.

I have no money. NONE

that seems to be the number one thing that makes me unhappy. Lack of money.

It's not like I'm upset that I can't buy myself stuff. 

I'm upset that I can't be responsible and pay rent and credit card bills.

I'm down in the dumps.

That's all.

Being out here is like being pregnant with something. 

You know that at the end of this nine months something wonderful will have happened,

that will change my whole life.

But right now. I'm feeling the contractions. 

It comes in waves, then it settles down with breakthrough.

Then it comes again. If I feel this crappy now I really don't want to know what the next wave will be like.

But at the end of this I will be so happy when it's over, and that I made it. And I will have something in me that I will be proud of. Because I stuck it out.

Yaks (hairball)

There must be some kind of scientific explanation for the kind of day I'm having.

Planets aligning, or a full moon,

 or some kind of movement of true north.

The kind of day I'm having is a kind of day I've had before. 

There is something in me that is attracting other bodies.

If I am not running into someone

I am moving and end up in their way.

I feel like I'm in a dream.

It's like there's some kind of magnetic pull towards me.

But not the kind of pull I want. 

It's making me go crazy. Going home makes it worse.

Thank God for Evan, he left fresh and frozen fruit and spinach at my house.

Praise the Lord I won't be eating ramen noodles!

I'm waiting for Erin so we can look at apartments..

I'm sitting in the only one of a kind cafe they have in Redding.

Yaks. yeah the messed up on the name. 

But everything seems to be in place. miss matched tables and chairs, warm and unique tones on the walls. Some local artists paintings are hanging up and they are playing Nick Drake. Yep everything seems to be in place. But there is something VERY out of place..

The people.

There's a woman with an awful hair dye job interviewing a very frail man with.. is that grey hair? I can't tell. It's looks like dirty straw. His skin is like leather. She is interviewing him for a job taking care of someone with a mental disability. I can feel the awkwardness from here. It's thick.

I've realized that I dress myself according to my mood.

When I feel pretty I dress pretty.

Today I feel like a walking accident!

So I'm wearing a mismatched clashing outfit of stretch pants. 

a white V-neck with a ironed on picture of Gabe Venezuala and a Navy blue cardigan. 

I'm hoping that it will keep people from bumping into me.

I need to spend some time alone with God tonight. 

My weekend

This weekend has been one of much excitement. 

I went to San Francisco on Friday. 

I am making it a point to live in this city.

I don't know when that will happen, but it simply must.

The city has the most character of any city I've been in yet.

I'm going to have to start making the big bucks to live there though.

I went down and saw my dear friend Evan Reese. Whom I had a wonderful time with.

We went to one of his classes where they were making bridges out of limited amounts of balsa wood. Then they saw how much weight the bridges could hold.

Evan's bridge held 125 lbs

everyone elses could hold like 30 lbs. 

needless to say I was very proud of Evan.

We went down to the ocean, it was beautiful. We walked around cliffs

and through a cave,

and down to the ocean.

I put my feet in the pacific ocean for the first time since April.

It was FREEZING!

We walked and talked a lot.

It was really great to catch up with Evan.

When you move to a new place and there is someone familiar there with you something happens.

I felt like we could really talk

and get to know eachother.

There weren't really any distractions.

I feel the same way about Joel Kendrick. 

If we hadn't both moved out here

I might have never

really gotten to know him. I'm so happy I have that chance now.

Anyways, Evan and I were at the beach most of the 

afternoon.

We drove around listening to Indian music

in the city admiring all of the colorful apartments 

that probably cost a fortune to live in.

We went and got some fruit 

and some afganistan food.

I didn't get to eat mine though. 

We drove back up to Redding. The drive back up was MUCH more enjoyable because of Evan's presence, and he showed me 

some amazing music. 

We listened to 

NOVELIFT -Nicks new band
 

Son Lux

and Jeremy Enigk of Sunny Day Real Estate and The Fire Theft

It was good stuff

When we got back to Redding we went to the Bluff where 

there were friends playing music 

around a candle fire.

We went to Graham's dress up birthday party.

"Everyone looked interesting in their 'Smart Attire'." Benjamin Dobsin commented.

Which I'm not sure if that means,

"It's fun to see people looking their best."

or

"It's funny to see what people think looks good on them"

I'm not quite sure what to make of it,

But I think I looked cute. 

Although I don't remember one picture being taken of me that night.

Which is a shame.

I haven't been that dolled up in ages.

We retired to Jordan DiMarco's to watch The Goonies.

All in all it was a good weekend. a little tiring.

And I double booked myself this morning.

Kim's back and I KNOW she ate birthday cake while

she was out of town.

We are on a diet.

and if she cheats she owes me 20 bucks

So far she owes me 60

40 of which she has some how talked her way out of.

This could be how I make rent this month.

Natalie

My friend Natalie died this morning.

She was in a coma. 

and that's not 

ok.

Black and White to Color

I've realized that the thing that makes me feel the most grounded is family.

This week I've had the pleasure of hanging around families.

Even if it's just brother's or sister's. 

This morning I went with my friend Melissa to her brother's house.

He made all of us breakfast. 

It made me miss the Rizzo's SO much.

Just a bunch of people who are loving each other, making food, giving hand massages, telling stories.

I've made some amazing friends here.

God has been so good too!

During worship lately I've been drawn into this really intimate place.

Where all I can do is cry because I'm overwhelmed with the most amazing love.

I love the verse 1st John 4:10 This is love not that we loved God, but that He loved us

and sent his only son as an atoning sacrifice.

As God begins to pour out his love on us. We learn how we are to love him, and others.

God has shown me his father love through my dad.

And through my grandpa. and through some pastors in my life.

Because of these men who have loved me completely I have learned to love.

And I have learned the heart of the father.

He's always changing, but his mercies are new every morning.

They are new because he's so huge that there's enough of him to find out something new every morning. 

After reading Good Morning Holy Spirit by Benny Hinn. I have come to a place where all I just want to be in his presence

During corporate worship times I find my self feeling like it's just us.

And I long for the times where it really is just us.

I've been asking him to take me on dates. Special times for just us.

I remember when I was little if my dad would wake me up early on Saturday's and take me places I felt so special.

Even though one of the times he took me to Cinnebon to confront me about a boy I had been talking to that he didn't like.

Anyways, I've been asking Holy Spirit to give me those 

special times where it's just us.

Thursday morning my alarm was randomly set to wake me up at 5:00.

I woke up and thought. No way. I'm going back to bed.

Then I had to go to the bathroom so bad that very second.

So I had to get up.

As soon as I got up the Holy Spirit said, "This is our chance, just us"

So I got into my car and drove around and listened to some music.

We just talked and I prayed and it was so much fun.

I came home and went back to bed. I had the deepest sleep ever. I love those times so much. I love the feeling that he longs to spend time with me, even more than I long to spend time with him.

It hurts my heart so much now when I think about all of the times

when he wanted my attention and I didn't think twice about him.

I can't grieve him.. He's all I have.

It's weird we sing all these songs where it's like all I want is you.

So there's two ways of looking at this.

It's like I'm making such a sacrifice by giving up everything and just taking you..

Or looking at it like. 

I get to give up everything that is crap, and miserable and I get to have the best thing I could ever imagine! 

By all accounts that isn't fair. Like I give him my crap and he gives me an amazing life.

Sounds like a deal. 

and I love deals.

I love the Holy Spirit. It's like without him everything is black and white.

You can see everything fine. and everything can be beautiful.

But when you have him 

everything is in color. Everything is enhanced and somehow 

makes much more sense.

You can survive in black and white. But once you've seen color how could you go back?

This is a little off topic. But I'm going to be finding out my missions trip pretty soon. and I think I'll be setting up a pay pal or something so people can support me who read this.

If you feel lead to send me money

or support me with prayer, I'll take it.

I want to have enough money so that I can give it to people at my school who will get kicked out if they don't pay their tuition.

I want to have enough money to go on my missions trip.

and I want to have enough money that I can move into my own apartment.

I want enough money so that I can by canvases and start painting.

If that's by people's support,

or me getting extra jobs

or money appearing in the bank I'll take it.

God's taking care of me.

I'm not stressed about money anymore. Ever. 

I used to freak out if I couldn't pay people on time. I used to have panic attacks and cry hysterically.

Now.. I laugh 

and know that everything is going to be fine.

follow up

I want to say one thing about my previous rant. 

People don't know what love is anymore.

Love isn't dating someone.

Love isn't getting to know somebody

Love isn't sex

Love isn't getting someone to love you.

Love is special. and I hope that in my life I can show kids, and adults what real love is. So they stop looking for fake love. Because fake love isn't love at all. It's a lie.

How do I know how to love? because He loved me first.

If you are loved by love you can't go wrong.

Remember when relationships used to mean something? Me neither.

I was just online and I saw ads for people trying to decode manese (the language of men)

I think it's pretty straight forward! It's the ladies who have the problem.

What is this?? 

If you weren't sure that he loved you then getting prego wasn't the answer

Well ladies is it casual or serious? Because there's this awesome 

website that teaches you how to MAKE it serious. With all this new technology

you can learn how to be his one. and only one.

or maybe you'd like to try the old fashioned way. 

Stop dating/sleeping with idiots. 

A favorite childhood poem

My dad used to recite this poem to me.

I loved it when I was little.

I recently found a book that had the poem in it.

The pictures are ridiculous. There's a pictures of dog's doin it.. doggy style.

Enjoy.

Status change

Have you ever thought of changing your status from 

"Single" to "In a Relationship" on facebook just for attention? 

I have.

Disclamer

That last post in no way reflects my feelings for Benjamin Dobson. I just am not creative enough. I'll find something more interesting to write about. Because I have some ridiculous stories! 

My shot at a short

INT. AIRPORT

People are shuffling around grabbing bags,hugging loved ones. Business men are walking by with their briefcase's checking their watches. A group of women in Indian garb scuffle by speaking loudly in Indian. Two girls are looking at the incoming flights on the screen and checking their cell phones. One girl is looking worried and excited, she has shoulder length auburn hair and is wearing a sun dress. CALEY THOMAS (22)Her eyes are darting around and she looks like she is searching for someone. MICHAELA MCLAIRD (21) is her friend who is not as excited but is looking at her phone and the screen and talking to caley.

Caley spots her british boyfriend BENJAMIN DOBSIN (24) Tall gangly boy with strange attire and a classic british hair cut. Caley runs towards him

Caley

Ben! Over here! 

Ben looks around and finally makes eye contact with Caley and walks briskly towards her. Smile getting bigger with every step.

Benjamin

Hello darling! Well customs took for bloody ever, you weren't waiting to long I hope?

Caley and Benjamin embrace and give eachother a quick peck. Benjamin shifts his luggage around so that he can put his arm around Caley and they walk on together.

Caley

No we weren't waiting long. I did start to get anxious though.

Benjamin

We? Who's with you?

Caley

This is Michaela. She drove down with me. Remember I've told you about her.

They walk towards Michaela and Caley presents her to Benjamin. Benjamin looks Michaela up and down and his face soon turns from a smile to a look of utter dissatisfaction.

Benjamin

Well that top isn't too flattering on you now is it?

(Beat)

Michaela takes her hand back from presenting it to Benjamin. She looks down at her plain V-neck shirt and looks to Caley for what to say next.

Caley

Umm. Ben! Ben's a fashion designer. He's not afraid to speak his mind

Michaela

Well... Nice to meet you.. Benjamin was it? Let's get to the car. Parking is going to cost a fortune if we just stand here.

Caley looks at Michaela with an apologetic half smile, Michaela does not respond. Caley looks back at Benjamin and he gives her a squeez and they walk out of the automatic doors.

CUT TO:

(O.S.) Parking lot.

They reach the car and Michaela unlocks her drivers side door, Caley climbs in the back with Benjamin and they drive off.

Michaela pulls out a handgun and shoots Benjamin in the face.

Michaela

That face of yours wasn't to flattering on you.. was it?

Fade to black

Ok I know that was awful. But I gotta start somewhere!

Free

I had a picture of myself during worship yesterday. 

all you could see was my silhouette. It was huge and lumpy, then a single spotlight came on me.

i was covered in these clear plastic bags full of air.

They were to protect me. But I wasn't free to move around.

I felt very restricted. 

Like a diving bell.

Jesus came up behind me and started to take off the bags. 

Without the bags I felt like a human without skin

very vulnerable, and very naked.

I could actually feel a physical ache all over my body.

I felt like if I were to fall that 

I would be bruised

and I would shatter like glass against the floor.

It was an awful feeling,

but then Jesus put this robe around me.

It was radiating with light and made me feel so warm and peaceful.

I was completely free to move around because 

it was like a silk bathrobe, 

I wasn't restricted like when I had those air bags on me.

I've realized that a root issue,

which I have dealt with

that was causing a LOT of my problems was that I thought I had to take care of myself.

But when I protect myself I am limited to what I can do.

Because everything is going to hurt me.

I had to give up protecting myself.

Because Jesus does it better than I could ever do.

The whole issue with finding a job, and my frustration stemmed for this wanting to take care of myself.

But when I finally let go I could see that Jesus does it better.

And there are a few other things

too personal to talk about that had to do with this.

Sometimes it's hard to let go of these 

"Protectors" the mechanisms that keep us safe.

Because they work hard,

and have done a good job, but not the best job.

 I was so tired of taking care of myself it was quite easy for me to let Jesus take over.

I felt like an exhausted little kid who just collapsed in dad's arms.

Irrevocable:adjective that cannot be revoked, undone, recalled.

So this is Lonnie Frisbee baptizing some dirty hippie. Because he was a dirty Hippie. If you don't know about him.. then you need to.

So right now, God is talking to me about something so great. 

No matter how far away I feel from him.. I can't run fast enough. He is ALWAYS with me. 

For a while I was pretty far off. I couldn't hear his voice. Probably because I was to drunk to hear him. and I don't mean drunk in the spirit.

I really haven't had a problem with feeling too guilty about this time. However I am sad that I wasted time not being in his presence.

Now that I'm surrounded all the time I never want to leave.

So here's the good news I got..

Romans 11:29 "For God's gifts and his call are irrevocable."

I know that might seem simple.. But it's something that I think a LOT of people don't get.

So Lonnie Frisbee was this amazing guy, and he became gay and the church took him out of leadership. Which if I was a pastor would probably do to. BUT the thing that sucks is that he lost his following. 

He later got over being gay I guess, and was totally cleansed from the lifestyle. He did die of AIDS in 1994 I believe. But here's the point.. God didn't take away his gift. He still had it.

There are so many people in church history that have lead major revivals and they have fallen because of some moral issue. But they still had the same gifts. 

This is pretty different from what I've experienced in my life. But the point is, I've been an idiot. But God is still here, and I've picked up where I left off and I never want to have to do that again. I still have all my same gifting's, he didn't take them away to punish me. I still have the same call on my life. and NOTHING not even 9 months of partying can take that away.

I'm gonna go to bed now.

The rat story

Yesterday morning I woke up early so I could catch the manager at this place I've been trying to get a job at. (run on)

So I woke up, got my work out stuff on, and headed to this smoothie place.

When I got there the lady told me what I thought she might say. They weren't even hiring. I had an interview, and things were looking really hopeful, I had been back there three days in a row, checking to see if the hiring manager was in. I felt like I had put so much hope into this one job that when I didn't get it I just got in my car and cried. I have not cried out of sadness since I have been here. I wasn't even sad, I was pissed. I was frustrated in every way possible. I went to the park went for a run and that made me feel better. But I was still mad. All I could think about for the next few hours was how mad I was! I went to another place that had said they were hiring. When I got there I actually met the guy who got my job! I was SO MAD! I got in my car and cried again. I started driving towards the ONE other place in town that I knew was hiring.. Taco Bell. yes I was about to go in there and get an application. But when I got there the line was way too long. I just drove around and drove to school and screamed and cried. I was so frustrated! How hard is it to get a job? How hard is it for God to give me a job? not hard. It's not like I'm looking for some full time position with benefits and a 401k! I'm looking for simple part time jobs. like smoothie king, or atlanta bread company. place's that high schooler's are supposed to be working at.

I got to school and worship started. I was in no mood to worship God, because I was really mad at him. But in the middle of worship the back round singer told this story about an airplane. The pilot was having problems with plane and realized that there was a rat eating at some chords under the plane. He had two options, he could crash land the plane and maybe die. Or fly the plane up even higher and kill the rat. Both were risky. She said "Some of you are focusing on the rat and if you do that you are gonna crash. You need to press in and go higher and look at all the things that God has done for you already" I was like.. oh man she's right.

So I pressed in, I began realizing that I'm here, I'm supposed to be here, and I really didn't have to pay for anything to get here. It was hard, but here I am and I know that this is where I'm supposed to be. I began thanking God for bringing me here and what a blessing my parents have been. I really was able to worship and by the end of it I felt like I was wrapped in his arms and just feeling loved. It was great because I really miss my parents and it felt like one of them was just hugging and making me feel peaceful. Worship ended and I realized that I really don't care if I don't get a job. God is going to provide, how he's going to do that I don't know. But he will.

When I got out of school I had a missed call from a Redding number I didn't know. It was a lady who had been referred to me by my mom's friend and she wanted me to do some part time nannying for her! I called her and the hours she wanted couldn't have been more perfect! I was so amazed that as soon as I had a break through in the spirit there was a break through in my real life! 

I could have moved here and easily just have gotten a job. But instead God chose to make me wait so that I could have the perfect job, and it wasn't me, it was him. It was like a gift to me. 

All the time here has been stretching me so much, and I finally feel like the stress about money, and work is over. Because I know that even if I have to wait, whatever God has for me is WAY better than what I try to do for myself.

BeenUp2

Checkout what I've BeenUp2!


ok so Beenup2 equals buddytown in Redding. Except not.

Paper

never ending sign language

I wish people who talk through their problems were mute.. or deaf. Then they would just sign through their problems and wouldn't annoy me half as much.

It's not just like, "Hey can I talk to you"

It's like "Ok I'm gonna get the pan out, and then I'm gonna get some grapeseed oil because olive oil is bad for you, and then I'm gonna get some eggs... I love eggs, my mom used to make them for me but now I do. Oh it looks like the pans heating up, and I'm gonna crack the egg and put it in the pan. Now I think I'm gonna get a glass of water." 

Shut UP already.

Eye Surgery

Last night when I was laying on the floor at church.

 I was feeling really disconnected. 

All of the sudden I was overwhelmed. I couldn't get up, I couldn't open my eyes.

 Then I saw a pair of eyes as close as you could get.

 Closer than real eyes could be because my eyes 

wouldn't have been able to focus. 

I felt like my eyes were a camera and the eyes that were staring at me,

 weren't looking at my eyes, they were looking in my eyes. 

I saw a needle and thread and I saw different medical instruments in my line of vision. Someone said, "They aren't big enough." I was laying on a operating table,

 but I couldn't see anything unless it was right above me. 

They were working away and I let them.

 My vision was too small.

 whoa. 

I didn't realize that's what that meant until I just typed it. 

My vision was too small. I always think too small. 

I always want to settle for less so I'm not disappointed. 

I'm done with that way of thinking. 

If I want small, 

I'll get small. 

If I want big, maybe I will get big. 

or bigger! what about that? 

There's no limit with God. 

I've got to be more positive.

Weed

My roommate used the phrase, "I think she was on weed," last night. Oh the terrors of tripping on pot.

We'll see how long this lasts.

Faith

Being in Redding so far has been a challenge to say the least.
Being alone in Redding has been awful. I have to block my days into scheduled sections, lest I loose my damn mind! I sleep in till about 10:00, take my time getting ready. Then I take a long time and make an extravagant breakfast. This sets me at about 11:30 maybe even if I'm lucky 11:45. And then I'm screwed the rest of the day because I have no idea what to do unless it's Sunday.
But in my times of being alone I have finished two books, and had time to really listen for God's voice.
I've realized that He's made me promises about my life that He never forgets, but sometimes I do. Or at least I loose hope in them. Not hope... Faith. I loose faith in them. But in reality it's faith in the things unseen that is going to pull them into my reality. Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Heb 11:1 God said, "Have you forgotten my promises to you? Because I haven't" I was like oh shit. Yes! I have forgotten them like an idiot. But I would love to be reminded!

I had a dream a long time ago, that I was flying over the world like a leaf. I have never forgotten this dream because it totally changed my life. But I was reminded of a particular part where there was a map of the U.S. and there were lines I was leaving as I traveled. There was a distinct line between Nashville and Redding. I forgot about that. But I stepped out in faith. Knowing that God would have to provide, and he has a plan for me out here. It's because of faith that my actual being is here, in Redding, doing absolutely nothing. But I'd rather be doing nothing here if it's what God wants me to do. I know that in a few weeks I will look back on this first week and go, that wasn't so bad. Because I will have a job, I will have friends, and I will be so wrapped up in school that I will long for these days when I had nothing to do.
I've been driving alone listening to music a lot. I cry a lot.


You know those signs people hang up in their houses that say like "Live Laugh Love" or "Life is Hard, But God is Good," yeah I hate those signs. No offense. I just hate them. That is all for now.

The I-5

I drove up the I-5 two days ago. It's a highway I have driven on many times before, but never this particular stretch. The distance spanning between Sacramento and Redding California has to be the ugliest piece of land I have ever seen. The grass is golden because of lack of rain and high temperatures. Some days reaching up to 115 degrees. There are random bushes with white and red flowers to decorate the median. The wind blows them and the bushes wave in the breeze. They seem to be motioning me to go on further, not to give up. Palm trees stick out like a sore thumb in this dry farm land. There are rows of some kind of trees, maybe olive trees? I'm not sure. All this to say there is not much to look at on this two lane highway. Dead grass and farm land. However something caught my eye as I flew past semi's and vans with uhaul trailers. Roma tomatoes littered the freeway like red plastic balls from McDonalds. Some were on the side of the road in bunches, others were smashed into sauce under truck tires. Somewhere an Italian man weeps for reasons he knows not. I was so curious. Where did they come from? A truck? Did they roll out of a field. Thinking they had escaped a life of being eaten, only to be smashed on this desolate stretch of road? I found myself driving faster and faster to see if I could find an answer. I drove for fifty miles and found the truck piled high with tomatos. My curiosity was satisfied and my imagination was crushed.
Driving alone is a dangerous and amazing thing. You are completely alone, secluded, completely apart from the outside world. getting out of a car after being alone for a long period of time is like reentering earth's atmosphere. You almost forget how to communicate with people. I managed though. I met up with Caley as soon as I got to Redding. A town I think I will grow to love faster than I had anticipated.

Mayday Playday

So mayday was a success. Except for the fact that it was only 73 degrees and the forcast called for 78 degrees. Having this high temperature in mind I headed to kroger early that morning and bought 5 cases of kroger water. I priced them at a dollar a piece and sold two... I however made $4 because some guy bought beer from me which wasn't mine to sell. His loss. I had two dollars to start with which put me at six and with that money I bought one of Colleens delightful little feathers to put in my hair.



http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=102352

They are so cute.

anyways. Despite what some people may say I was not "Shit faced" nor was I the whole day.






Still don't know who this guy was.




Best sign maker




Most unenthusiastic



hottest couple


To be Continued...

everything is gonna be ok

I'm ok. I'm not mad anymore. I think I could even forgive whoever stole my stuff.


It's nine forty-three I have been awake since eight this morning. It is great to be awake early in the morning. The day feel so much more satisfying. It is kind of damp outside. I hope it is not like this Saturday.

May Day

I am fucking furious!!!!!!!!

my car was broken into and this is what was stolen

-stereo
-phone
-ipod
-debit card
-check book
-License
-Passport
-Ray Bans
-Vespa bag
-my blinkers don't work now.

I was a mess. But I thought you know what. it's gonna be ok. Cause insurance is gonna cover it. NO they aren't going to. Because it's personal property and I don't live with my parents. They might not even replace the stereo. So that sucks. But then I won five hundred dollars at work. Which was AMAZING!

today I get on to see whats going on with my bank account after I shut everything down. The mother fuckers made a withdrawl. I can see it cause it's posted online. NOT my handwriting, NOT my signature and how fucking dare US Bank not ID these skeezy little shits! I want to kill somebody! I'll get the money back. And I hope to God they got them on video. Cause I want somebodies ass prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.


I needed to rant. and I don't want to bother anyone. I just wanna kill some mother fuckers


the end




FUCK

mother fucking snakes

so its 4/20 and although there is one very obvious thing that
comes to mind on this day my thoughts turn to another thing.
4/20 is the birthday of this girl I don't even know who married
a good friend of mine. And I don't think that should have ever
happened. THE END OF THAT

my life I feel has reached it's peak of pointlessness, and I can't wait to go back to school! I might even gather up some cash and go pay all of my library fees just so I can check out a big fat book of knowlege.

I've got a fever and the only perscription is more knowlege.""

Just saying. I've reached a point where I don't even want to watch tv unless I am learning
I don't want to drink any alcohol
I don't want to smoke any weed, or cigs
I don't want a boy to touch me let alone kiss me
all I want to do is learn. and be a better person
is that selfish? I don't think so.
It's about fucking time I better myself, because there are mother fucking snakes on this mother fucking plane. and it's going down soon.

I hate how everytime I'm sick it feels like the first time
I always say ok, ok last time was a walk in the park. THIS time it really is the worst pain ever.
do I have a low pain tollerance... how does one even know if they do or not..
You can't be another person for a day and find out... oh yeah this hurts way more in this body than it does in my real body.

Do they have pain tollerance tests at like colleges. I'm sure I'll read about some study for pain tollerance soon in some womens health magazine. I buy a lot of them

I need to know how to do things

like how to do fifty types of crunches
and how to know if my mascara is too old to use
and what sunscreen is the best for whatever situation.
Why do I care so much about all these things?
The truth is I don't, I just like scanning over the pictures.
I think these magazines make me feel more responsible and healthy.
working out for twenty minute makes me feel skinnier
shopping at whole foods makes me go home and clean the kitchen, not an easy task mind you. Why? I don't know but it works every time and I love it.

Well this has been a particularly fun little rant for me. Now I have to go get ready for work. and what do you know the pain killers finally kicked in!

why am I so blessed?


Michaela

lines that replay in my head and make me laugh

remember that seashell you bought me at the beach? It doesn't work.


I think that everyday. I hope I made it up. I will add more lines as I they come to me. I gotta save this stuff.

one fish two fish red fish blue fish

Snorkeling has to be on of the coolest, scariest thing I've done in my life.
When I was younger I went and I wasn't scared. Now here I am twenty years old and trying to calm myself down with my face in the water. Calming down in the water is hard. I have issues with the ocean. I'm sure a lot of people do. When I was little I was so clueless of how small I was. When you see the ocean you become acutely aware of how small and insignificant you really are. You realize how lonely this world could be. But I am not lonely. Thank God for that. Anyways, the greatest thing about snorkeling is when there is a clearing of coral where you can see the sandy floor looking down makes you feel like you are actually flying. It's one of my dad's favorite things to do. And it's hard to find things that make him really happy.

sticks 'n' stones

I am the biggest asshole ever.

I have been given a great, and horrible gift. I know people. and I can either help them or make them feel terrible. I know someone pretty well. They don't realize it yet, but despite their best efforts I can see right through them. This person is the kind of person that seems like they lack all human emotion. This person seems like nothing you do or say could ever effect them. This person seems like they've got it all figured out. But the truth is. This person doesn't know who they are or why anyone would ever want to be their friend. This person is extremely sensitive. But this person has a problem. This person is a jerk. They get away with it all the time, and hurts all the people that love him. Somewhere along they way this person became aware of a lie telling him that people who love him are only going to fail him and leave him. So now he makes it hell for all the people that mean the most to him. Might as well hurt them and get rid of them before they leave him on their own. Might as well take control and make sure they NEVER leave without him making them.

I hate seeing this. It hurts my heart. and knowing this information about a person I hardly know can be dangerous. Tonight I made an asshole comment, not thinking twice about it. And after I said it, he made me feel awful about it. I said the one thing that I could say to make him believe that lie. The lie of being abandoned and not wanted. I didn't do it on purpose. I have never felt so sick to my stomach over something I've said like I did tonight. I can't do that again.

I hate life. and I love it too.
everything is awesome.
the end

Fifth Grade Poetry

I wrote this poem in 5th grade.


Pink Breeze (sounds like a walgreen's brand perfume. sorry.)

Pretty pink trees grow
Butterflies spread their blue wings
The warm breeze tickles.

Here's a metaphor I wrote in 5th grade.


The stars were diamonds glimmering bright.


I wish I was in 5th grade again. I want to be pure like my 5th grade self.

So she's perfect.

These Keys Are Sticky... I hate this

Where art the all the eligible bachelors in the land? Bring them hither.


I've started talking like that because I watched Shrek the III twice today, and four times this week. It's sad I have the first one and the third one. I don't like either of them half as much as I like the second. Wow.... I'm going to have a hard time fitting in with people my age when I go back to school. I can see myself in a classroom having debates over how many Land Before Time movies there actually are.

I'm counting nine. There could be more, not to mention "In Eimen Land Vor Unserer Zeit 4" German Land Before Time. It's more depressing than you remember it being as a child!

The house I'm babysitting at right now has the scariest cat EVER! It's meow sounds like some kind of mutated child. I feel bad for it though. It's dying.... But I wish it would hurry up. It scares me.

HA

I was voted, "best potential mother" on facebook. thanks.. now I'll never get a boyfriend guys!

Mixed Monday's

So last night was my first Mixed Monday, and I'd have to say it went rather well.


I brought mixed signals
Colleen brought mixed metaphors
gabe brought taco bell
travis brought mixalobe light.... hmm
Jeremy brought flaming Dr. Peppers.. just what the Dr. ordered
























And so the night ended the way they usually do. with a game of Dance Dance Revolution and uncalled for language.

I woke up at five in the morning to a huge storm. I was so thirsty that I got out of my nice warm bed. Gabe and Jeremy were still awake watching Seinfeld. Why?

Someone, in fact the only person who reads this besides myself will be happy to know that I purchased a bathing suit today. Guess what? It was not a one piece. I'd hate to let Hawaii down, by being modest.

goodnight all.

Dairy of a dyslexic virgin

Tomorrow is the first day of lent.

I'm giving up sex.

I find my life hilarious in all ways

The Newbs

So I am working right now. Olivia is sleeping. Davis (day day) is at preschool, all is good.

When I get my own house all to myself I'm gonna get a golden retriever.. they are just my favorite.

Help

so I've been trying to figure out if I'm a boring person. Or if I'm more complex than I even realize.
and why am I so bad at hugging people?

I feel like this

PRIVATE: Entries from my spy notebook.

Let me preface this entry by saying this. I wanted desperately to be a spy. After watching Harriet the spy I started a notebook, I started wearing a raincoat, and I started talking shit about my friends. These are some choice entries from this spy notebook I had. I am going to keep the spelling the same. I was probably about eight or nine years old at this time.


______________________________________________________
Michaela A. McLaird
Megan is my vary best frend but shee wont admet it.

Michaela A McLaird
Millisa never tocks
I wonder if she ever will

Sincerley
Michaela
_______________________________________________________

Zoes parents are geting a devorse and zoes moms boss is being nice to zoe and her mom. But not her dad so zoes mom wil like her boss. Zoe loves her dad and hats the boss.

Spy Time
Michaela A. McLaird

Dallas is my brother he is always tawking from movies

no one nose I am a spy
________________________________________________________

Cortney
I wonder wy she is so secretiv, but I like her anways a good pyspay (pig latin for spy, I guess I wanted to hide the fact that she was a spy... even though I write it everywhere.)

always ceepes to herself
and a good spy knows everything about everyone

Michaela A. McLaird
_________________________________________________________

Hannah Hundsberger
is vary nice but she tawky to fast for me.

Emmy Luiws is sometimes mean and a little bit nice.

Michaela A. McLaird
_________________________________________________________
Anny is a vary good friend and she is vary vary nice....... a little TOO nice

______________________________________________________


Well that's all for this installment of spy time. Tune in next time when I talk more shit about close friends

Smile

I don't smile enough appearantly.
sorry if I give people dirty looks, sometimes I mean it sometimes I don't.

everything anything something nothing

I feel like I've tossed things around like they mean nothing. And in turn they have become nothing to me. When something is nothing to you, everyone around you treats you like it's nothing too. I remember when I thought just one kiss was the most special important thing in the world. I'm trying desperately to believe this again. I know this might sound silly, like a way to get hurt more. But right now at this point. I would rather feel every bit of pain that comes along with anything that means something. I feel like I've put so much into not feeling anything. I've put so much into being tough. I wanna be soft. I've always felt like the more unavailable I was the more somone would want me. I'm done with that.
I feel like I'm not explaining this well.

I was listening to this song by Jens Lekman.



But I would never kiss anyone
who doesn't burn me like the sun
and I remember every kiss
like my first kiss
like my first kiss

I want something to mean everything, and everything to mean something.

I woke up with a spider bite. This disturbs me. This means a spider is in or around my bed even now. This means a spider was on me at some point in the night. This spider doesn't have the balls to show it's face in daylight. And I probably swallowed this spider. He/She deserved it.