follow up

I want to say one thing about my previous rant. 

People don't know what love is anymore.

Love isn't dating someone.

Love isn't getting to know somebody

Love isn't sex

Love isn't getting someone to love you.

Love is special. and I hope that in my life I can show kids, and adults what real love is. So they stop looking for fake love. Because fake love isn't love at all. It's a lie.

How do I know how to love? because He loved me first.

If you are loved by love you can't go wrong.

Remember when relationships used to mean something? Me neither.

I was just online and I saw ads for people trying to decode manese (the language of men)

I think it's pretty straight forward! It's the ladies who have the problem.

What is this?? 

If you weren't sure that he loved you then getting prego wasn't the answer

Well ladies is it casual or serious? Because there's this awesome 

website that teaches you how to MAKE it serious. With all this new technology

you can learn how to be his one. and only one.

or maybe you'd like to try the old fashioned way. 

Stop dating/sleeping with idiots. 

A favorite childhood poem

My dad used to recite this poem to me.

I loved it when I was little.

I recently found a book that had the poem in it.

The pictures are ridiculous. There's a pictures of dog's doin it.. doggy style.

Enjoy.

Status change

Have you ever thought of changing your status from 

"Single" to "In a Relationship" on facebook just for attention? 

I have.

Disclamer

That last post in no way reflects my feelings for Benjamin Dobson. I just am not creative enough. I'll find something more interesting to write about. Because I have some ridiculous stories! 

My shot at a short

INT. AIRPORT

People are shuffling around grabbing bags,hugging loved ones. Business men are walking by with their briefcase's checking their watches. A group of women in Indian garb scuffle by speaking loudly in Indian. Two girls are looking at the incoming flights on the screen and checking their cell phones. One girl is looking worried and excited, she has shoulder length auburn hair and is wearing a sun dress. CALEY THOMAS (22)Her eyes are darting around and she looks like she is searching for someone. MICHAELA MCLAIRD (21) is her friend who is not as excited but is looking at her phone and the screen and talking to caley.

Caley spots her british boyfriend BENJAMIN DOBSIN (24) Tall gangly boy with strange attire and a classic british hair cut. Caley runs towards him

Caley

Ben! Over here! 

Ben looks around and finally makes eye contact with Caley and walks briskly towards her. Smile getting bigger with every step.

Benjamin

Hello darling! Well customs took for bloody ever, you weren't waiting to long I hope?

Caley and Benjamin embrace and give eachother a quick peck. Benjamin shifts his luggage around so that he can put his arm around Caley and they walk on together.

Caley

No we weren't waiting long. I did start to get anxious though.

Benjamin

We? Who's with you?

Caley

This is Michaela. She drove down with me. Remember I've told you about her.

They walk towards Michaela and Caley presents her to Benjamin. Benjamin looks Michaela up and down and his face soon turns from a smile to a look of utter dissatisfaction.

Benjamin

Well that top isn't too flattering on you now is it?

(Beat)

Michaela takes her hand back from presenting it to Benjamin. She looks down at her plain V-neck shirt and looks to Caley for what to say next.

Caley

Umm. Ben! Ben's a fashion designer. He's not afraid to speak his mind

Michaela

Well... Nice to meet you.. Benjamin was it? Let's get to the car. Parking is going to cost a fortune if we just stand here.

Caley looks at Michaela with an apologetic half smile, Michaela does not respond. Caley looks back at Benjamin and he gives her a squeez and they walk out of the automatic doors.

CUT TO:

(O.S.) Parking lot.

They reach the car and Michaela unlocks her drivers side door, Caley climbs in the back with Benjamin and they drive off.

Michaela pulls out a handgun and shoots Benjamin in the face.

Michaela

That face of yours wasn't to flattering on you.. was it?

Fade to black

Ok I know that was awful. But I gotta start somewhere!

Free

I had a picture of myself during worship yesterday. 

all you could see was my silhouette. It was huge and lumpy, then a single spotlight came on me.

i was covered in these clear plastic bags full of air.

They were to protect me. But I wasn't free to move around.

I felt very restricted. 

Like a diving bell.

Jesus came up behind me and started to take off the bags. 

Without the bags I felt like a human without skin

very vulnerable, and very naked.

I could actually feel a physical ache all over my body.

I felt like if I were to fall that 

I would be bruised

and I would shatter like glass against the floor.

It was an awful feeling,

but then Jesus put this robe around me.

It was radiating with light and made me feel so warm and peaceful.

I was completely free to move around because 

it was like a silk bathrobe, 

I wasn't restricted like when I had those air bags on me.

I've realized that a root issue,

which I have dealt with

that was causing a LOT of my problems was that I thought I had to take care of myself.

But when I protect myself I am limited to what I can do.

Because everything is going to hurt me.

I had to give up protecting myself.

Because Jesus does it better than I could ever do.

The whole issue with finding a job, and my frustration stemmed for this wanting to take care of myself.

But when I finally let go I could see that Jesus does it better.

And there are a few other things

too personal to talk about that had to do with this.

Sometimes it's hard to let go of these 

"Protectors" the mechanisms that keep us safe.

Because they work hard,

and have done a good job, but not the best job.

 I was so tired of taking care of myself it was quite easy for me to let Jesus take over.

I felt like an exhausted little kid who just collapsed in dad's arms.

Irrevocable:adjective that cannot be revoked, undone, recalled.

So this is Lonnie Frisbee baptizing some dirty hippie. Because he was a dirty Hippie. If you don't know about him.. then you need to.

So right now, God is talking to me about something so great. 

No matter how far away I feel from him.. I can't run fast enough. He is ALWAYS with me. 

For a while I was pretty far off. I couldn't hear his voice. Probably because I was to drunk to hear him. and I don't mean drunk in the spirit.

I really haven't had a problem with feeling too guilty about this time. However I am sad that I wasted time not being in his presence.

Now that I'm surrounded all the time I never want to leave.

So here's the good news I got..

Romans 11:29 "For God's gifts and his call are irrevocable."

I know that might seem simple.. But it's something that I think a LOT of people don't get.

So Lonnie Frisbee was this amazing guy, and he became gay and the church took him out of leadership. Which if I was a pastor would probably do to. BUT the thing that sucks is that he lost his following. 

He later got over being gay I guess, and was totally cleansed from the lifestyle. He did die of AIDS in 1994 I believe. But here's the point.. God didn't take away his gift. He still had it.

There are so many people in church history that have lead major revivals and they have fallen because of some moral issue. But they still had the same gifts. 

This is pretty different from what I've experienced in my life. But the point is, I've been an idiot. But God is still here, and I've picked up where I left off and I never want to have to do that again. I still have all my same gifting's, he didn't take them away to punish me. I still have the same call on my life. and NOTHING not even 9 months of partying can take that away.

I'm gonna go to bed now.

The rat story

Yesterday morning I woke up early so I could catch the manager at this place I've been trying to get a job at. (run on)

So I woke up, got my work out stuff on, and headed to this smoothie place.

When I got there the lady told me what I thought she might say. They weren't even hiring. I had an interview, and things were looking really hopeful, I had been back there three days in a row, checking to see if the hiring manager was in. I felt like I had put so much hope into this one job that when I didn't get it I just got in my car and cried. I have not cried out of sadness since I have been here. I wasn't even sad, I was pissed. I was frustrated in every way possible. I went to the park went for a run and that made me feel better. But I was still mad. All I could think about for the next few hours was how mad I was! I went to another place that had said they were hiring. When I got there I actually met the guy who got my job! I was SO MAD! I got in my car and cried again. I started driving towards the ONE other place in town that I knew was hiring.. Taco Bell. yes I was about to go in there and get an application. But when I got there the line was way too long. I just drove around and drove to school and screamed and cried. I was so frustrated! How hard is it to get a job? How hard is it for God to give me a job? not hard. It's not like I'm looking for some full time position with benefits and a 401k! I'm looking for simple part time jobs. like smoothie king, or atlanta bread company. place's that high schooler's are supposed to be working at.

I got to school and worship started. I was in no mood to worship God, because I was really mad at him. But in the middle of worship the back round singer told this story about an airplane. The pilot was having problems with plane and realized that there was a rat eating at some chords under the plane. He had two options, he could crash land the plane and maybe die. Or fly the plane up even higher and kill the rat. Both were risky. She said "Some of you are focusing on the rat and if you do that you are gonna crash. You need to press in and go higher and look at all the things that God has done for you already" I was like.. oh man she's right.

So I pressed in, I began realizing that I'm here, I'm supposed to be here, and I really didn't have to pay for anything to get here. It was hard, but here I am and I know that this is where I'm supposed to be. I began thanking God for bringing me here and what a blessing my parents have been. I really was able to worship and by the end of it I felt like I was wrapped in his arms and just feeling loved. It was great because I really miss my parents and it felt like one of them was just hugging and making me feel peaceful. Worship ended and I realized that I really don't care if I don't get a job. God is going to provide, how he's going to do that I don't know. But he will.

When I got out of school I had a missed call from a Redding number I didn't know. It was a lady who had been referred to me by my mom's friend and she wanted me to do some part time nannying for her! I called her and the hours she wanted couldn't have been more perfect! I was so amazed that as soon as I had a break through in the spirit there was a break through in my real life! 

I could have moved here and easily just have gotten a job. But instead God chose to make me wait so that I could have the perfect job, and it wasn't me, it was him. It was like a gift to me. 

All the time here has been stretching me so much, and I finally feel like the stress about money, and work is over. Because I know that even if I have to wait, whatever God has for me is WAY better than what I try to do for myself.

BeenUp2

Checkout what I've BeenUp2!


ok so Beenup2 equals buddytown in Redding. Except not.

Paper

never ending sign language

I wish people who talk through their problems were mute.. or deaf. Then they would just sign through their problems and wouldn't annoy me half as much.

It's not just like, "Hey can I talk to you"

It's like "Ok I'm gonna get the pan out, and then I'm gonna get some grapeseed oil because olive oil is bad for you, and then I'm gonna get some eggs... I love eggs, my mom used to make them for me but now I do. Oh it looks like the pans heating up, and I'm gonna crack the egg and put it in the pan. Now I think I'm gonna get a glass of water." 

Shut UP already.

Eye Surgery

Last night when I was laying on the floor at church.

 I was feeling really disconnected. 

All of the sudden I was overwhelmed. I couldn't get up, I couldn't open my eyes.

 Then I saw a pair of eyes as close as you could get.

 Closer than real eyes could be because my eyes 

wouldn't have been able to focus. 

I felt like my eyes were a camera and the eyes that were staring at me,

 weren't looking at my eyes, they were looking in my eyes. 

I saw a needle and thread and I saw different medical instruments in my line of vision. Someone said, "They aren't big enough." I was laying on a operating table,

 but I couldn't see anything unless it was right above me. 

They were working away and I let them.

 My vision was too small.

 whoa. 

I didn't realize that's what that meant until I just typed it. 

My vision was too small. I always think too small. 

I always want to settle for less so I'm not disappointed. 

I'm done with that way of thinking. 

If I want small, 

I'll get small. 

If I want big, maybe I will get big. 

or bigger! what about that? 

There's no limit with God. 

I've got to be more positive.

Weed

My roommate used the phrase, "I think she was on weed," last night. Oh the terrors of tripping on pot.

We'll see how long this lasts.

Faith

Being in Redding so far has been a challenge to say the least.
Being alone in Redding has been awful. I have to block my days into scheduled sections, lest I loose my damn mind! I sleep in till about 10:00, take my time getting ready. Then I take a long time and make an extravagant breakfast. This sets me at about 11:30 maybe even if I'm lucky 11:45. And then I'm screwed the rest of the day because I have no idea what to do unless it's Sunday.
But in my times of being alone I have finished two books, and had time to really listen for God's voice.
I've realized that He's made me promises about my life that He never forgets, but sometimes I do. Or at least I loose hope in them. Not hope... Faith. I loose faith in them. But in reality it's faith in the things unseen that is going to pull them into my reality. Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Heb 11:1 God said, "Have you forgotten my promises to you? Because I haven't" I was like oh shit. Yes! I have forgotten them like an idiot. But I would love to be reminded!

I had a dream a long time ago, that I was flying over the world like a leaf. I have never forgotten this dream because it totally changed my life. But I was reminded of a particular part where there was a map of the U.S. and there were lines I was leaving as I traveled. There was a distinct line between Nashville and Redding. I forgot about that. But I stepped out in faith. Knowing that God would have to provide, and he has a plan for me out here. It's because of faith that my actual being is here, in Redding, doing absolutely nothing. But I'd rather be doing nothing here if it's what God wants me to do. I know that in a few weeks I will look back on this first week and go, that wasn't so bad. Because I will have a job, I will have friends, and I will be so wrapped up in school that I will long for these days when I had nothing to do.
I've been driving alone listening to music a lot. I cry a lot.


You know those signs people hang up in their houses that say like "Live Laugh Love" or "Life is Hard, But God is Good," yeah I hate those signs. No offense. I just hate them. That is all for now.

The I-5

I drove up the I-5 two days ago. It's a highway I have driven on many times before, but never this particular stretch. The distance spanning between Sacramento and Redding California has to be the ugliest piece of land I have ever seen. The grass is golden because of lack of rain and high temperatures. Some days reaching up to 115 degrees. There are random bushes with white and red flowers to decorate the median. The wind blows them and the bushes wave in the breeze. They seem to be motioning me to go on further, not to give up. Palm trees stick out like a sore thumb in this dry farm land. There are rows of some kind of trees, maybe olive trees? I'm not sure. All this to say there is not much to look at on this two lane highway. Dead grass and farm land. However something caught my eye as I flew past semi's and vans with uhaul trailers. Roma tomatoes littered the freeway like red plastic balls from McDonalds. Some were on the side of the road in bunches, others were smashed into sauce under truck tires. Somewhere an Italian man weeps for reasons he knows not. I was so curious. Where did they come from? A truck? Did they roll out of a field. Thinking they had escaped a life of being eaten, only to be smashed on this desolate stretch of road? I found myself driving faster and faster to see if I could find an answer. I drove for fifty miles and found the truck piled high with tomatos. My curiosity was satisfied and my imagination was crushed.
Driving alone is a dangerous and amazing thing. You are completely alone, secluded, completely apart from the outside world. getting out of a car after being alone for a long period of time is like reentering earth's atmosphere. You almost forget how to communicate with people. I managed though. I met up with Caley as soon as I got to Redding. A town I think I will grow to love faster than I had anticipated.