blank

Perfection/Redemption

Control/Sacrifice

Being with you/Missing you

What I want/What He wants.

Alright/Better

How lucky for me that I've learned how to surrender.

How lucky for everyone else as well.

My want, disguised as a need for control is dwindling 

I don't want it.

I used to think I knew myself best

so I should be able to handle everything for myself.

But there is one who knows me better.

and to him I give control.

To him I surrender.

self pity

I feel like the lesson I'm learning right now is to not wait for random encouragement from others. But to draw from the well of what I know is true about myself.

But hearing it from others is really nice sometimes.

But I don't need to sit in self pity waiting for it.

When I start pitying myself it's like a cycle. I pity, then I realize that's stupid and I hate myself for doing it.

I'm realizing that I'm way more talented than I realize. Which isn't humility, it's stupidity.

Because I could be getting better at what I know.

I need to get vocal coaching

and I need guitar lessons.

I love music so much, I just want to be the best at it I can be.

I know that in my life I'm not excellent at much of anything,.

I'm halfway good at a LOT of things.

I hate myself for how I don't follow through.

This last week I was telling a friend that I wanted to go to College after Bethel, and he replied, "Do you really think you'll do that?" 

I was really hurt, but I realized that it was a valid question.

He's never seen me follow through before.

Ouch what a horrible image to give to someone.

Why are my heart and my actions so out of alignment. 

It's enough to make me sick.

Today is a cry baby day. I want to cry. But we aren't even having worship, so there's no quiet place I can go and cry and not have people ask me what's wrong.

I miss Travis Archer. 

I miss a lot of people. It's going to be really hard to leave Nashville when I go back for Christmas.

3 different people offered me a free place to live over summer in Seattle. I'm thinking about it. There are so many beautiful places to explore in Washington I've never seen.

I want to see the Olympics. I've only been to Mt. Rainier once. I haven't seen all I want to see there. It's so beautiful.

I can't stop listening to Snowden by Doves on Some Cities 

If you haven't heard it I highly recommend it. Anything by Doves is wonderful though.

Doves makes me think of the O.C. so lame I know.

I want a scooter.

FYI

Life doesn't suck anymore.

I moved in with some of my favorite people

for the time being.

I miss living with Julia Rizzo.

She was the best.

Great chats.

Breakfast/Coffee mornings

Massages

essential oils

flax seeds

constant music

occasionally cheesecake

mismatched plates and cups.

plant hanging in the shower?

yep. She's the best.

But then Jeremy and Joy were so great

and Kevin

and Becky.

I've lived with some of my favorite people in the world.

The other day I had a revelation. and Revelations don't have to be profound. But they are very real, and they are life changing.

Jesus died for me.

he thought of me.

life sucks for the moment.

I am having an off week. And by week I don't mean it started on Monday, by week I mean it started on Friday and hasn't stopped yet.

I've been asking myself, "Why am I here?" a lot. I know this won't last forever.

and I'm not completely discouraged. 

But I'm close.

I have no money. NONE

that seems to be the number one thing that makes me unhappy. Lack of money.

It's not like I'm upset that I can't buy myself stuff. 

I'm upset that I can't be responsible and pay rent and credit card bills.

I'm down in the dumps.

That's all.

Being out here is like being pregnant with something. 

You know that at the end of this nine months something wonderful will have happened,

that will change my whole life.

But right now. I'm feeling the contractions. 

It comes in waves, then it settles down with breakthrough.

Then it comes again. If I feel this crappy now I really don't want to know what the next wave will be like.

But at the end of this I will be so happy when it's over, and that I made it. And I will have something in me that I will be proud of. Because I stuck it out.

Yaks (hairball)

There must be some kind of scientific explanation for the kind of day I'm having.

Planets aligning, or a full moon,

 or some kind of movement of true north.

The kind of day I'm having is a kind of day I've had before. 

There is something in me that is attracting other bodies.

If I am not running into someone

I am moving and end up in their way.

I feel like I'm in a dream.

It's like there's some kind of magnetic pull towards me.

But not the kind of pull I want. 

It's making me go crazy. Going home makes it worse.

Thank God for Evan, he left fresh and frozen fruit and spinach at my house.

Praise the Lord I won't be eating ramen noodles!

I'm waiting for Erin so we can look at apartments..

I'm sitting in the only one of a kind cafe they have in Redding.

Yaks. yeah the messed up on the name. 

But everything seems to be in place. miss matched tables and chairs, warm and unique tones on the walls. Some local artists paintings are hanging up and they are playing Nick Drake. Yep everything seems to be in place. But there is something VERY out of place..

The people.

There's a woman with an awful hair dye job interviewing a very frail man with.. is that grey hair? I can't tell. It's looks like dirty straw. His skin is like leather. She is interviewing him for a job taking care of someone with a mental disability. I can feel the awkwardness from here. It's thick.

I've realized that I dress myself according to my mood.

When I feel pretty I dress pretty.

Today I feel like a walking accident!

So I'm wearing a mismatched clashing outfit of stretch pants. 

a white V-neck with a ironed on picture of Gabe Venezuala and a Navy blue cardigan. 

I'm hoping that it will keep people from bumping into me.

I need to spend some time alone with God tonight. 

My weekend

This weekend has been one of much excitement. 

I went to San Francisco on Friday. 

I am making it a point to live in this city.

I don't know when that will happen, but it simply must.

The city has the most character of any city I've been in yet.

I'm going to have to start making the big bucks to live there though.

I went down and saw my dear friend Evan Reese. Whom I had a wonderful time with.

We went to one of his classes where they were making bridges out of limited amounts of balsa wood. Then they saw how much weight the bridges could hold.

Evan's bridge held 125 lbs

everyone elses could hold like 30 lbs. 

needless to say I was very proud of Evan.

We went down to the ocean, it was beautiful. We walked around cliffs

and through a cave,

and down to the ocean.

I put my feet in the pacific ocean for the first time since April.

It was FREEZING!

We walked and talked a lot.

It was really great to catch up with Evan.

When you move to a new place and there is someone familiar there with you something happens.

I felt like we could really talk

and get to know eachother.

There weren't really any distractions.

I feel the same way about Joel Kendrick. 

If we hadn't both moved out here

I might have never

really gotten to know him. I'm so happy I have that chance now.

Anyways, Evan and I were at the beach most of the 

afternoon.

We drove around listening to Indian music

in the city admiring all of the colorful apartments 

that probably cost a fortune to live in.

We went and got some fruit 

and some afganistan food.

I didn't get to eat mine though. 

We drove back up to Redding. The drive back up was MUCH more enjoyable because of Evan's presence, and he showed me 

some amazing music. 

We listened to 

NOVELIFT -Nicks new band
 

Son Lux

and Jeremy Enigk of Sunny Day Real Estate and The Fire Theft

It was good stuff

When we got back to Redding we went to the Bluff where 

there were friends playing music 

around a candle fire.

We went to Graham's dress up birthday party.

"Everyone looked interesting in their 'Smart Attire'." Benjamin Dobsin commented.

Which I'm not sure if that means,

"It's fun to see people looking their best."

or

"It's funny to see what people think looks good on them"

I'm not quite sure what to make of it,

But I think I looked cute. 

Although I don't remember one picture being taken of me that night.

Which is a shame.

I haven't been that dolled up in ages.

We retired to Jordan DiMarco's to watch The Goonies.

All in all it was a good weekend. a little tiring.

And I double booked myself this morning.

Kim's back and I KNOW she ate birthday cake while

she was out of town.

We are on a diet.

and if she cheats she owes me 20 bucks

So far she owes me 60

40 of which she has some how talked her way out of.

This could be how I make rent this month.

Natalie

My friend Natalie died this morning.

She was in a coma. 

and that's not 

ok.