everything anything something nothing

I feel like I've tossed things around like they mean nothing. And in turn they have become nothing to me. When something is nothing to you, everyone around you treats you like it's nothing too. I remember when I thought just one kiss was the most special important thing in the world. I'm trying desperately to believe this again. I know this might sound silly, like a way to get hurt more. But right now at this point. I would rather feel every bit of pain that comes along with anything that means something. I feel like I've put so much into not feeling anything. I've put so much into being tough. I wanna be soft. I've always felt like the more unavailable I was the more somone would want me. I'm done with that.
I feel like I'm not explaining this well.

I was listening to this song by Jens Lekman.



But I would never kiss anyone
who doesn't burn me like the sun
and I remember every kiss
like my first kiss
like my first kiss

I want something to mean everything, and everything to mean something.