Too Much

This week has thrown me for a loop.
As soon as everything becomes so clear some outside force makes me
completely aware of how imperfect it all is.
oh well oh well oh well

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

- Pablo Neruda

Could someone please tell me what I was made to do.
so I can do it.

unfinished

It's a long way down to fall

and then one you thought would catch you

is the one who let you go

It's a long way down to fall

we've been climbing so high 

that I can't see the ground

Sentimental Heart

Old habits die hard when you've got

when you've got a sentimental heart.

Micro blog much?

people need to stop talking so much shit about other people all the time. 

what boring minds and people that only think of other's misfortunes.

Plain and Simple

I get to be happy whenever I want.

So I think I'm just going to be happy always.

blank

Perfection/Redemption

Control/Sacrifice

Being with you/Missing you

What I want/What He wants.

Alright/Better

How lucky for me that I've learned how to surrender.

How lucky for everyone else as well.

My want, disguised as a need for control is dwindling 

I don't want it.

I used to think I knew myself best

so I should be able to handle everything for myself.

But there is one who knows me better.

and to him I give control.

To him I surrender.

self pity

I feel like the lesson I'm learning right now is to not wait for random encouragement from others. But to draw from the well of what I know is true about myself.

But hearing it from others is really nice sometimes.

But I don't need to sit in self pity waiting for it.

When I start pitying myself it's like a cycle. I pity, then I realize that's stupid and I hate myself for doing it.

I'm realizing that I'm way more talented than I realize. Which isn't humility, it's stupidity.

Because I could be getting better at what I know.

I need to get vocal coaching

and I need guitar lessons.

I love music so much, I just want to be the best at it I can be.

I know that in my life I'm not excellent at much of anything,.

I'm halfway good at a LOT of things.

I hate myself for how I don't follow through.

This last week I was telling a friend that I wanted to go to College after Bethel, and he replied, "Do you really think you'll do that?" 

I was really hurt, but I realized that it was a valid question.

He's never seen me follow through before.

Ouch what a horrible image to give to someone.

Why are my heart and my actions so out of alignment. 

It's enough to make me sick.

Today is a cry baby day. I want to cry. But we aren't even having worship, so there's no quiet place I can go and cry and not have people ask me what's wrong.

I miss Travis Archer. 

I miss a lot of people. It's going to be really hard to leave Nashville when I go back for Christmas.

3 different people offered me a free place to live over summer in Seattle. I'm thinking about it. There are so many beautiful places to explore in Washington I've never seen.

I want to see the Olympics. I've only been to Mt. Rainier once. I haven't seen all I want to see there. It's so beautiful.

I can't stop listening to Snowden by Doves on Some Cities 

If you haven't heard it I highly recommend it. Anything by Doves is wonderful though.

Doves makes me think of the O.C. so lame I know.

I want a scooter.

FYI

Life doesn't suck anymore.

I moved in with some of my favorite people

for the time being.

I miss living with Julia Rizzo.

She was the best.

Great chats.

Breakfast/Coffee mornings

Massages

essential oils

flax seeds

constant music

occasionally cheesecake

mismatched plates and cups.

plant hanging in the shower?

yep. She's the best.

But then Jeremy and Joy were so great

and Kevin

and Becky.

I've lived with some of my favorite people in the world.

The other day I had a revelation. and Revelations don't have to be profound. But they are very real, and they are life changing.

Jesus died for me.

he thought of me.

life sucks for the moment.

I am having an off week. And by week I don't mean it started on Monday, by week I mean it started on Friday and hasn't stopped yet.

I've been asking myself, "Why am I here?" a lot. I know this won't last forever.

and I'm not completely discouraged. 

But I'm close.

I have no money. NONE

that seems to be the number one thing that makes me unhappy. Lack of money.

It's not like I'm upset that I can't buy myself stuff. 

I'm upset that I can't be responsible and pay rent and credit card bills.

I'm down in the dumps.

That's all.

Being out here is like being pregnant with something. 

You know that at the end of this nine months something wonderful will have happened,

that will change my whole life.

But right now. I'm feeling the contractions. 

It comes in waves, then it settles down with breakthrough.

Then it comes again. If I feel this crappy now I really don't want to know what the next wave will be like.

But at the end of this I will be so happy when it's over, and that I made it. And I will have something in me that I will be proud of. Because I stuck it out.

Yaks (hairball)

There must be some kind of scientific explanation for the kind of day I'm having.

Planets aligning, or a full moon,

 or some kind of movement of true north.

The kind of day I'm having is a kind of day I've had before. 

There is something in me that is attracting other bodies.

If I am not running into someone

I am moving and end up in their way.

I feel like I'm in a dream.

It's like there's some kind of magnetic pull towards me.

But not the kind of pull I want. 

It's making me go crazy. Going home makes it worse.

Thank God for Evan, he left fresh and frozen fruit and spinach at my house.

Praise the Lord I won't be eating ramen noodles!

I'm waiting for Erin so we can look at apartments..

I'm sitting in the only one of a kind cafe they have in Redding.

Yaks. yeah the messed up on the name. 

But everything seems to be in place. miss matched tables and chairs, warm and unique tones on the walls. Some local artists paintings are hanging up and they are playing Nick Drake. Yep everything seems to be in place. But there is something VERY out of place..

The people.

There's a woman with an awful hair dye job interviewing a very frail man with.. is that grey hair? I can't tell. It's looks like dirty straw. His skin is like leather. She is interviewing him for a job taking care of someone with a mental disability. I can feel the awkwardness from here. It's thick.

I've realized that I dress myself according to my mood.

When I feel pretty I dress pretty.

Today I feel like a walking accident!

So I'm wearing a mismatched clashing outfit of stretch pants. 

a white V-neck with a ironed on picture of Gabe Venezuala and a Navy blue cardigan. 

I'm hoping that it will keep people from bumping into me.

I need to spend some time alone with God tonight. 

My weekend

This weekend has been one of much excitement. 

I went to San Francisco on Friday. 

I am making it a point to live in this city.

I don't know when that will happen, but it simply must.

The city has the most character of any city I've been in yet.

I'm going to have to start making the big bucks to live there though.

I went down and saw my dear friend Evan Reese. Whom I had a wonderful time with.

We went to one of his classes where they were making bridges out of limited amounts of balsa wood. Then they saw how much weight the bridges could hold.

Evan's bridge held 125 lbs

everyone elses could hold like 30 lbs. 

needless to say I was very proud of Evan.

We went down to the ocean, it was beautiful. We walked around cliffs

and through a cave,

and down to the ocean.

I put my feet in the pacific ocean for the first time since April.

It was FREEZING!

We walked and talked a lot.

It was really great to catch up with Evan.

When you move to a new place and there is someone familiar there with you something happens.

I felt like we could really talk

and get to know eachother.

There weren't really any distractions.

I feel the same way about Joel Kendrick. 

If we hadn't both moved out here

I might have never

really gotten to know him. I'm so happy I have that chance now.

Anyways, Evan and I were at the beach most of the 

afternoon.

We drove around listening to Indian music

in the city admiring all of the colorful apartments 

that probably cost a fortune to live in.

We went and got some fruit 

and some afganistan food.

I didn't get to eat mine though. 

We drove back up to Redding. The drive back up was MUCH more enjoyable because of Evan's presence, and he showed me 

some amazing music. 

We listened to 

NOVELIFT -Nicks new band
 

Son Lux

and Jeremy Enigk of Sunny Day Real Estate and The Fire Theft

It was good stuff

When we got back to Redding we went to the Bluff where 

there were friends playing music 

around a candle fire.

We went to Graham's dress up birthday party.

"Everyone looked interesting in their 'Smart Attire'." Benjamin Dobsin commented.

Which I'm not sure if that means,

"It's fun to see people looking their best."

or

"It's funny to see what people think looks good on them"

I'm not quite sure what to make of it,

But I think I looked cute. 

Although I don't remember one picture being taken of me that night.

Which is a shame.

I haven't been that dolled up in ages.

We retired to Jordan DiMarco's to watch The Goonies.

All in all it was a good weekend. a little tiring.

And I double booked myself this morning.

Kim's back and I KNOW she ate birthday cake while

she was out of town.

We are on a diet.

and if she cheats she owes me 20 bucks

So far she owes me 60

40 of which she has some how talked her way out of.

This could be how I make rent this month.

Natalie

My friend Natalie died this morning.

She was in a coma. 

and that's not 

ok.

Black and White to Color

I've realized that the thing that makes me feel the most grounded is family.

This week I've had the pleasure of hanging around families.

Even if it's just brother's or sister's. 

This morning I went with my friend Melissa to her brother's house.

He made all of us breakfast. 

It made me miss the Rizzo's SO much.

Just a bunch of people who are loving each other, making food, giving hand massages, telling stories.

I've made some amazing friends here.

God has been so good too!

During worship lately I've been drawn into this really intimate place.

Where all I can do is cry because I'm overwhelmed with the most amazing love.

I love the verse 1st John 4:10 This is love not that we loved God, but that He loved us

and sent his only son as an atoning sacrifice.

As God begins to pour out his love on us. We learn how we are to love him, and others.

God has shown me his father love through my dad.

And through my grandpa. and through some pastors in my life.

Because of these men who have loved me completely I have learned to love.

And I have learned the heart of the father.

He's always changing, but his mercies are new every morning.

They are new because he's so huge that there's enough of him to find out something new every morning. 

After reading Good Morning Holy Spirit by Benny Hinn. I have come to a place where all I just want to be in his presence

During corporate worship times I find my self feeling like it's just us.

And I long for the times where it really is just us.

I've been asking him to take me on dates. Special times for just us.

I remember when I was little if my dad would wake me up early on Saturday's and take me places I felt so special.

Even though one of the times he took me to Cinnebon to confront me about a boy I had been talking to that he didn't like.

Anyways, I've been asking Holy Spirit to give me those 

special times where it's just us.

Thursday morning my alarm was randomly set to wake me up at 5:00.

I woke up and thought. No way. I'm going back to bed.

Then I had to go to the bathroom so bad that very second.

So I had to get up.

As soon as I got up the Holy Spirit said, "This is our chance, just us"

So I got into my car and drove around and listened to some music.

We just talked and I prayed and it was so much fun.

I came home and went back to bed. I had the deepest sleep ever. I love those times so much. I love the feeling that he longs to spend time with me, even more than I long to spend time with him.

It hurts my heart so much now when I think about all of the times

when he wanted my attention and I didn't think twice about him.

I can't grieve him.. He's all I have.

It's weird we sing all these songs where it's like all I want is you.

So there's two ways of looking at this.

It's like I'm making such a sacrifice by giving up everything and just taking you..

Or looking at it like. 

I get to give up everything that is crap, and miserable and I get to have the best thing I could ever imagine! 

By all accounts that isn't fair. Like I give him my crap and he gives me an amazing life.

Sounds like a deal. 

and I love deals.

I love the Holy Spirit. It's like without him everything is black and white.

You can see everything fine. and everything can be beautiful.

But when you have him 

everything is in color. Everything is enhanced and somehow 

makes much more sense.

You can survive in black and white. But once you've seen color how could you go back?

This is a little off topic. But I'm going to be finding out my missions trip pretty soon. and I think I'll be setting up a pay pal or something so people can support me who read this.

If you feel lead to send me money

or support me with prayer, I'll take it.

I want to have enough money so that I can give it to people at my school who will get kicked out if they don't pay their tuition.

I want to have enough money to go on my missions trip.

and I want to have enough money that I can move into my own apartment.

I want enough money so that I can by canvases and start painting.

If that's by people's support,

or me getting extra jobs

or money appearing in the bank I'll take it.

God's taking care of me.

I'm not stressed about money anymore. Ever. 

I used to freak out if I couldn't pay people on time. I used to have panic attacks and cry hysterically.

Now.. I laugh 

and know that everything is going to be fine.

follow up

I want to say one thing about my previous rant. 

People don't know what love is anymore.

Love isn't dating someone.

Love isn't getting to know somebody

Love isn't sex

Love isn't getting someone to love you.

Love is special. and I hope that in my life I can show kids, and adults what real love is. So they stop looking for fake love. Because fake love isn't love at all. It's a lie.

How do I know how to love? because He loved me first.

If you are loved by love you can't go wrong.

Remember when relationships used to mean something? Me neither.

I was just online and I saw ads for people trying to decode manese (the language of men)

I think it's pretty straight forward! It's the ladies who have the problem.

What is this?? 

If you weren't sure that he loved you then getting prego wasn't the answer

Well ladies is it casual or serious? Because there's this awesome 

website that teaches you how to MAKE it serious. With all this new technology

you can learn how to be his one. and only one.

or maybe you'd like to try the old fashioned way. 

Stop dating/sleeping with idiots. 

A favorite childhood poem

My dad used to recite this poem to me.

I loved it when I was little.

I recently found a book that had the poem in it.

The pictures are ridiculous. There's a pictures of dog's doin it.. doggy style.

Enjoy.

Status change

Have you ever thought of changing your status from 

"Single" to "In a Relationship" on facebook just for attention? 

I have.

Disclamer

That last post in no way reflects my feelings for Benjamin Dobson. I just am not creative enough. I'll find something more interesting to write about. Because I have some ridiculous stories! 

My shot at a short

INT. AIRPORT

People are shuffling around grabbing bags,hugging loved ones. Business men are walking by with their briefcase's checking their watches. A group of women in Indian garb scuffle by speaking loudly in Indian. Two girls are looking at the incoming flights on the screen and checking their cell phones. One girl is looking worried and excited, she has shoulder length auburn hair and is wearing a sun dress. CALEY THOMAS (22)Her eyes are darting around and she looks like she is searching for someone. MICHAELA MCLAIRD (21) is her friend who is not as excited but is looking at her phone and the screen and talking to caley.

Caley spots her british boyfriend BENJAMIN DOBSIN (24) Tall gangly boy with strange attire and a classic british hair cut. Caley runs towards him

Caley

Ben! Over here! 

Ben looks around and finally makes eye contact with Caley and walks briskly towards her. Smile getting bigger with every step.

Benjamin

Hello darling! Well customs took for bloody ever, you weren't waiting to long I hope?

Caley and Benjamin embrace and give eachother a quick peck. Benjamin shifts his luggage around so that he can put his arm around Caley and they walk on together.

Caley

No we weren't waiting long. I did start to get anxious though.

Benjamin

We? Who's with you?

Caley

This is Michaela. She drove down with me. Remember I've told you about her.

They walk towards Michaela and Caley presents her to Benjamin. Benjamin looks Michaela up and down and his face soon turns from a smile to a look of utter dissatisfaction.

Benjamin

Well that top isn't too flattering on you now is it?

(Beat)

Michaela takes her hand back from presenting it to Benjamin. She looks down at her plain V-neck shirt and looks to Caley for what to say next.

Caley

Umm. Ben! Ben's a fashion designer. He's not afraid to speak his mind

Michaela

Well... Nice to meet you.. Benjamin was it? Let's get to the car. Parking is going to cost a fortune if we just stand here.

Caley looks at Michaela with an apologetic half smile, Michaela does not respond. Caley looks back at Benjamin and he gives her a squeez and they walk out of the automatic doors.

CUT TO:

(O.S.) Parking lot.

They reach the car and Michaela unlocks her drivers side door, Caley climbs in the back with Benjamin and they drive off.

Michaela pulls out a handgun and shoots Benjamin in the face.

Michaela

That face of yours wasn't to flattering on you.. was it?

Fade to black

Ok I know that was awful. But I gotta start somewhere!